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Boundaries
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Do you feel like you're being walked all over?
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Do you say 'yes' when you want to say 'no'?
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Do you feel guilty for prioritising yourself?
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Do you let others disrespect your limits repeatedly?
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Do you feel drained or used after interactions?
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Do you constantly people-please?
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Do you overshare or get involved too fast?
What are boundaries and why we need them ...
Boundaries are expectations and needs that help us feel safe and comfortable in our relationships, whether that be romantic, family, work or friendships.
It's the rules and limits we set to protect our wellbeing and show others how we want to be treated. It creates clarity and safety for us ... and for them.
Its like drawing an invisible line around you to show what you're ok with and what you're not ...
When it comes to romantic relationships with a partner, boundaries are essential for a healthy, respectful, and emotionally fulfilling relationship.
Boundaries matter because they promote mutual respect and stops a lot of the resentment from building up and causing burnout.
For you as an individual in the relationship, boundaries support you to have the freedom and ability to make your own decisions and control your own actions, without being controlled by others, its all about having your own independence and self-respect in the relationship... and also encouraging healthy communication within the relationship.
Let's break down the more general boundaries ...
1. Emotional Boundaries
✧ Protect your feelings and emotional energy.
Example: “I need space to process my emotions before we talk.”
2. Physical Boundaries
✧ Relate to personal space, touch, and physical needs.
Example: “I’m not comfortable hugging people I don’t know well.”
3. Time Boundaries
✧ Help manage your time and energy.
Example: “I can’t meet tonight; I’ve had a long day and need rest.”
4. Sexual Boundaries
✧ Involve your comfort and consent around sexual activity.
Example: “I’m not ready to take that step yet.”
5. Intellectual Boundaries
✧ Concern respect for your thoughts, opinions, and ideas.
Example: “I don’t appreciate being interrupted when I’m expressing my point of view.”
6. Material Boundaries
✧ Refer to your possessions and financial resources.
Example: “I’m not comfortable lending money right now.”
Visulalise the boundary as a fence.
Boundaries can be porous, rigid or healthy.
A porous boundary: A Broken Fence ... it's when you are way too open - you let too much in or you give too much of yourself away.
A rigid boundary: A Solid Fence or Brick Wall ...it's when you are too closed - you don't let people in - even the good ones!
A healthy boundary: A Fence with a Gate - that YOU can open and close depending who is there ... it's the one where you have the balance just right - you protect yourself without shutting others out.
Boundaries in relationships for couples...
Setting boundaries with a partner is essential for a healthy, respectful, and emotionally fulfilling relationship. Good boundaries protect both people’s individuality while nurturing the connection.
Let's look at how boundaries needs show up in a romantic relationship:
1. Emotional Boundaries
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“I need time to cool down before we talk when we argue.”
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“I don’t feel comfortable discussing my triggers in detail right now.”
2. Communication Boundaries
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“I prefer we don’t shout during disagreements — I need calm conversation.”
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“Please don’t text me constantly when I’m at work.”
3. Time and Space
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“I need some alone time each week to recharge — it doesn’t mean I love you any less.”
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“We don’t have to spend every hour together.”
4. Sexual Boundaries
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“I’m not comfortable trying that — can we talk about what feels good for both of us?”
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“I need to feel emotionally safe before being intimate.”
5. Digital Boundaries
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“I’m not okay with sharing passwords — I need some digital privacy.”
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“Please ask before posting photos of us online.”
6. Financial Boundaries
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“I’m happy to share some expenses, but I don’t feel ready to combine our finances yet.”
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“I prefer we discuss big purchases together.”
🚩 Red Flags: The no-No's!
When Boundaries Aren’t Respected:
They dismiss your boundaries or call them “dramatic” or “selfish”.
They guilt you for needing space or time alone.
They ignore repeated requests for change.
They manipulate or punish you emotionally when you say “no”.
Looking at Boundaries through the lens of Attachment Theory and Love Languages
Boundaries x Attachment Styles
Boundaries and attachment styles are deeply connected.
Your attachment style ... how you relate emotionally to others based on early relationships can influence how you set, respect, and react to boundaries in romantic relationships.
How Attachment Styles Affect Boundaries
1. Secure Attachment
Traits: Comfortable with closeness and independence.
Boundaries:
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Healthy, flexible, and respectful of both your own and others’ needs.
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Open communication about needs.
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Can hear “no” without taking it personally.
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Respects their partner’s space without feeling rejected.
2. Anxious Attachment
Traits: Craves closeness and fears abandonment.
Boundary Challenges:
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May feel rejected or panicked when a partner sets a boundary.
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Struggles to set their own boundaries for fear of losing love.
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People-pleasing or over-giving.
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Difficulty being alone or respecting partner’s need for space.
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May interpret boundaries as signs of distance or disinterest.
3. Avoidant Attachment
Traits: Values independence, struggles with vulnerability.
Boundary Challenges:
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May set rigid or overly strong boundaries to avoid intimacy.
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Can struggle to let people in emotionally.
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Pushing others away when they get too close.
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Feeling suffocated by emotional needs or closeness.
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May use boundaries as walls, not fences with gates.
4. Disorganised Attachment
Traits: Wants intimacy but fears it; often swings between clingy and distant.
Boundary Challenges:
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Difficulty knowing or expressing needs clearly.
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May either avoid setting boundaries or set them too abruptly.
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Trust issues, emotional outbursts, or shutting down when overwhelmed.
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May test or break others’ boundaries due to deep insecurity.
Boundaries are:
✧ A sign of respect, not rejection
✧ A tool for connection, not distance.
✧ A way to teach people how to love you better, not control them.
Boundaries x Love Languages
Boundaries and love languages are both essential for healthy relationships ... but they play different roles:
Boundaries define what we need to feel safe, respected, and emotionally well.
Love languages describe how we give and receive love (e.g., touch, words, time).
Understanding both helps you love and be loved in ways that feel good without crossing emotional, physical, or mental lines.
♡ The 5 Love Languages & Some Common Boundary Breaches:
1. Words of Affirmation
Language: Love is expressed through compliments, kind words, and verbal support.
Boundary Needed: “Please don’t use sarcasm, name-calling, or criticism when we argue.”
2. Physical Touch
Language: Love is felt through hugs, cuddling, hand-holding, or sexual intimacy.
Boundary Needed: “I love holding hands, but I’m not always in the mood for constant touch.”
3. Quality Time
Language: Love is shared through focused attention, deep conversation, and shared activities.
Boundary Needed: “I love being with you, but I also need my own time to recharge.”
4. Acts of Service
Language: Love is shown through helpful actions (doing chores, running errands, taking care of things).
Boundary Needed: “I appreciate your help, but I’d like to do this task myself... or can we be a team and do it together using our strengths.”
5. Receiving Gifts
Language: Love is expressed through thoughtful tokens or surprises.
Boundary Needed: “I love your gifts, but I feel uncomfortable when they’re expensive or too frequent.”
Getting the Balance Right:
✧ Love languages connect your emotional needs.
✧ Boundaries protect your emotional space.
Self-care when setting boundaries...
Hints & tips for when you need to set some boundaries with challenging people...
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Keep assertively reinstating your boundary as needed.
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'No' can be a complete sentence. Justification is not always needed.
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Correct their boundary breaking at the time - don't let the opportunity go or think it's better to mention it later, make sure you say it in the moment. Have them take accountability.
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Accept that the other person is entitled to their response, even if it's not the the one you'd like them to have. That's on them, you keep strong!
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Make sure you don't take it personally, they'll want to do what they want to do. You might be asking them to do something that's outside their comfort zone which may be difficult for them. Be patient and understanding, and reaffirm your boundary.
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Make sure you manage your own discomfort around setting the boundaries, keep an eye on your goal for setting them. Learn to be comfortable in the uncomfortable.
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Be consistent when implementing any boundaries, be a broken record if need be.
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Remember boundary setting is a skill you are learning and be kind to yourself and keep safe ... it will get easier over time.
♡ Couples Counselling can help to get you both on the same page.
... with Delyth Cole